Tales From the Crypt: Season Six, Part Two

Staired in Terror: A fleeing criminal (D.B. Sweeney) hides out with a mysterious old woman (Rachel Ticotin) in a house she claims has a cursed staircase. Meanwhile, the local sheriff (R. Lee Ermey) is determined to get inside. It's not scary but it's very clever and it's nice to get an old-fashioned ghost story after several more grounded tales of crime. B+

In the Groove: Miguel Ferrer returns for his fourth(!) appearance on the show as a pissed off radio host whose show basically consists of him pretending to have sex. Following a long ratings struggle, he meets an ideal co-host (Linda Doucett) who brings out his repressed anger to a potentially dangerous extent. Ferrer is brilliant and Doucett is subtly effective as the sweet little devil on his shoulder. Slash from Guns N Roses also has a small role as a rival DJ, for no other reason than it's the 90s and Slash has to appear in accordance with the showbiz laws of the era. A-

Surprise Party: Ray (Adam Storke) defies his father, who had tried to keep him from inheriting a farmhouse on a valuable piece of property. With the old man gone and the will unchanged, he arrives at the place to find that there's a party going on. But what's the occasion? Well it turns out Dad had a good reason for trying to keep him away. The writing is pretty bad but there are some nice makeup effects near the end. B-

Doctor of Horror: Two put-upon security guards (Hank Azaria and Travis Tritt) working at a mortuary make a deal with a mad doctor (Austin Pendleton) conducting some very unorthodox experiments. It's funny but also very dark and has a great cast. Pendleton gives a creepy and charismatic performance while Ben Stein shows up to call the guards "lowlife shitheads" before getting killed. Considering how uninspired much of this season has been, it was a delight to see the episode totally go for broke in the climax, where the Re-Animator influence becomes very clear. A

Comes the Dawn: Before 30 Days of Night, there was this episode about poachers hunting bear in Alaska and finding vampires instead. Michael Ironside plays a former colonel who enlists a mysterious tracker (Vivian Wu) to help find a grizzly, but someone...or something got to it first. It's effective and the vampires look good, but some of the acting is just strange. Ironside is a pro but Wu uses two or three different accents and I don't even know what to make of Susan Tyrell in a brief but bizarre role as a bartender. B

99 & 44/100% Pure Horror: Say what? Is this an episode or a wi-fi password? It's actually a play on an old advertising slogan for soap, which makes sense for a story about a wimpy executive (Bruce Davison) who runs a soap company and his spoiled bitch wife (Cristi Conaway) who designs the advertising. When the Board of Directors decides they want to go in a new direction, he's forced to fire her and I think we've gone through enough of these episodes to know what's coming. Still, there's a fantastic payoff, but gory and darkly humorous. Meanwhile, the Cryptkeeper is training himself for the "Diecathlon." B

You, Murderer: Like the comic it was based on, the season finale is shot entirely in first person. Director Robert Zemeckis changes the protagonist to a criminal who, to elude the police, had plastic surgery to make himself look like Humphrey Bogart. Although he had been dead for over a decade, Bogart shows up for a few shots via manipulated archive footage, the same technology that Zemeckis had recently pioneered in Forrest Gump (which the Cryptkeeper makes fun of in the intro). The director attracted an excellent cast that includes John Lithgow, Isabella Rossellini and Sherilynn Fenn. It's a gimmick in search of a story, but it's nice to see some true ambition in a season where that often felt lacking. B+

That's all for this year, kiddies! Join us next October for the final season!

Tales From the Crypt: Season Six, Part One

Hello kiddies! We all know October is the best month. Beautiful foliage, seasonal festivals, apple crisp...and for the purposes of this blog, Tales From the Crypt! Let's get right into it.

Let the Punishment Fit the Crime: Catherine O'Hara plays an amoral attorney who gets arrested in a backwater town for a dispute over her license plate. With the help of her hapless public defender (Peter MacNicol with a ridiculous wig) she hopes to beat the rap because the sentencing in this town is very harsh. "Cruel and unusual" doesn't even begin to describe it. It's an irreverent take on crime and punishment that, because it's the 1990s, shoehorns in a reference to frivolous lawsuits. Thankfully, the infamous McDonalds hot coffee suit isn't mentioned. B

Only Skin Deep: Not to be confused with "Only Sin Deep" from Season One, this is the story of a serial abuser named Carl (Peter Onorati) who meets a masked woman (Sherrie Rose) at a party. He ignores all the red flags, including that she's in no hurry to take off the mask. You can probably already see where this one is going, but Carl is such a bastard that the audience is very excited for him to get what he deserves. Rose gives her character a nice spooky edge that sets the whole mood. B+

Whirlpool: Frequent Stephen King collaborator Mick Garris directs this meta episode, which unfolds mostly in the offices of EC Comics in the 1950s. After submitting a subpar story for Tales From the Crypt, the writer (Rita Rudner) is fired by her tyrannical boss (Richard Lewis) and finds herself in a weird time loop. It's a quick and entertaining half hour but it doesn't really make much sense. Is there any connection between the Groundhog Day stuff and the comics? Doesn't seem like it. I would have rather seen more of the Cryptkeeper getting frustrated during a house renovation and installing "scare conditioning." C+

Operation Friendship: Tate Donovan plays a meek programmer named Nelson who even gets pushed around by his hyperactive imaginary friend Eddie (Peter Dobson). As the phantom interferes with Nelson's romance with a psychologist (Michelle Rene Thomas), the first half of this episode feels like a totally different show. But then we get an idea of just how evil Eddie actually is. It's all pretty interesting if you try and determine exactly what's going on in Nelson's head, but despite having a psychologist character the episode isn't at all interested in that perspective. B-

Revenge is the Nuts: A facility for the blind is ruled with an iron fist by a ruthless tyrant (Anthony Zebre) who plays cruel games with the residents, even rolling marbles down the hallway when they're trying to walk. The group of blind protagonists (including Teri Polo and Isaac Hayes, who naturally gets to make a Shaft joke) is finally pushed too far and some righteous revenge follows. It's a good episode with interesting ambiance that casts most of the proceedings in an eerie dark blue light, but these more grounded tales of vengeance are getting a little old. Hopefully we'll get some more monsters at some point, that would really be "the nuts." B

The Bribe: Terry "The Stepfather" O'Quinn plays a straight-laced fire marshal with a grudge against the strip club that once employed his daughter (Kimberly Williams). He dismisses their bribery attempts but when that same daughter badly needs money, he heads down a dark path. It's well-acted and well-shot with a sensational double twist ending that is classic EC Comics. The Cryptkeeper begins this episode by doing a pretty good impression of Richard Nixon. I'd be curious to hear his Trump impression, although if we're being honest, he looks more like Kellyanne Conway. B+

The Pit: A dumb but somewhat amusing riff on Bloodsport. Mark Dacascos and Stoney Jackson play cage fighters who are constantly harangued by their showbiz girlfriends (Debbe Dunning and Marjean Holden) who were once fighters themselves. The guys are friendly rivals but the girls absolutely hate each other. So once they're roped into a "Malaysian death match," they wonder if maybe the women ought to be doing the fighting. The actual fight scenes are quite good (not something I thought I would say about a Tales from the Crypt episode) so it's strange that the finale is left unresolved. The episode doesn't so much end as simply run out of time. B-

The Assassin: Of the EC Comics stories I'm familiar with, this is not one I imagined would work for an episode. It's told entirely in first person narration and is essentially one scene. The writers must have agreed and so they wrote a completely different story while holding on to the name. It didn't turn out so well. In this version, a crew of asshole FBI agents barges into the home of a housewife (Shelley Hack) and are convinced her husband is actually a deadly assassin. It's a total mess with a twist that's easy to see coming (and far worse than the one in the comic). At least it gives Cam Clarke a chance to do another uncredited voice over so that's something. Maybe it was all because the Cryptkeeper was distracted, as the Grim Reaper (William Sadler) turns up at his tomb. "He drinks all my liquor and all he talks about is himself!" D+

Tales From the Crypt: Season Five, Part Two

Well Cooked Hams: Before The Prestige, there was this standout episode featuring a perfectly cast Billy Zane as an incompetent magician in the 1920s. He meets an older illusionist (Martin Sheen, playing way against type) with a fantastic trick and longs to have it for his own repertoire. But if you're going to steal from a magician with actual talent, you better make sure you do it right. It's highly engaging and may come as no surprise that two years later, writer Andrew Kevin Walker would craft the brilliant screenplay for the classic serial killer film Seven. A

Creep Course: A college jock (Anthony Michael Hall) asks bookish girl Stella (Nina Siemaszko) for help passing a mid-term after a pompous professor of Egyptian history (Jeffrey Jones) threatens to have him kicked off the football team if he fails. From the start, it's obvious Stella is being manipulated and the first half of this episode is generally unpleasant. Maybe it's just me but I've never been comfortable with stories where someone's insecurity is taken advantage of. Things pick up a bit in the second half, when Stella ends up confronting an ancient mummy and manages to turn the tables. The mummy looks great and the final sight gag is good for a chuckle. C+

Came the Dawn: This was one of the most acclaimed stories from the old EC comics and having read it makes me ambivalent about this episode. Perry King plays a man on the outs with his wife who retreats to a cabin in the woods. On the way, he picks up a stranded woman (Brooke Shields) and later hears reports of a killer on the loose. Is his new friend dangerous or is he just being paranoid? It's a passable episode on its own but an awful adaptation of the comic, which had a poetic simplicity and a real sense of tragedy. For whatever reason, it was turned into yet another story of selfish jerks being awful, complete with a stupid twist out of a dozen better stories. This one deserved better. C

Oil's Well That Ends Well: A weak episode starring Lou Diamond Phillips and Priscilla Presley as con artists who get a group of men at a bar excited when they claim they've discovered oil under a nearby graveyard. This series often goes outside traditional horror stories and it's usually fine, but in this case it's just a story of deception without any blood or scares. It almost seems like an episode of a different show, complete with acting that's much worse than what we've come to expect. John Kassir does double duty in his one - in addition to his usual gig voicing the Crypt Keeper, he plays a small role in the story itself (which of course the Crypt Keeper takes great pains to point out during the outro). C-

Half-Way Horrible: That's more like it. The great character actor Clancy Brown gives an epic performance as Roger Lassen, a chemical exec about to unveil a miraculous preservative. At the same time, his business associates are being murdered by someone who seems to know a lot about the new formula. The answer lies in the past when Lassen and the others journeyed to Brazil to acquire the stuff from the natives. It's a solid mystery with some satisfyingly nasty moments near the end. B+

Till Death Do We Part: In the season finale, Kate Vernon plays a waitress having an affair with a mobster (John Stamos, He Who Does Not Age). The trouble is that he's also involved with a murderous older woman named "Ruthless Ruth" (Eileen Brennan) who has some very gruesome revenge in mind. What elevates this one above an average crime episode is a unique structure, cutting between past and present and then shocking the viewer with a brutal twist worthy of David Lynch. B+

So that's Season 5. On the whole, I'd say it was a little better than Season 4, although the back half had several weak episodes and it was surprisingly light on the supernatural elements that I prefer. I'll be back with Season 6 in 2019. Enjoy your Halloween, kiddies!

Tales from the Crypt: Season Five, Part One

Happy October, kiddies! We're back with another season of Tales From the Crypt. Can the violence and cynicism even come close to the state of the world in 2018? Spoiler alert: No. But the puns are better here! Let's get started.

Death of Some Salesman: Tim Curry goes full-on Eddie Murphy in this ridiculous episode, playing three different members of the same family (and two of them are female!) Ed Begley, Jr plays an amoral cemetery plot salesman who makes a living swindling old people. It's quite a racket until he stumbles on the wrong family. He'll have to put all of his bullshitting to the ultimate test to get out of this situation. What starts as a typical poetic justice episode gets more and more tasteless (and funnier). Not scary at all, but amusing. B-

As Ye Sow: A well done tale of paranoia that attracted a huge cast. Hector Elizondo plays a dry cleaning executive who suspects that his younger wife (Patsy Kensit) is cheating on him. The direction of this episode is very clever in how his visualizes his insecurity and the twist ending is pure EC Comics. Just about everyone wanted to be part of this episode - Adam West and Sam Waterston play private investigators and Miguel Ferrer (this is...what, his third appearance on the show?) shows up in a small but very important role. On a personal note, Elizondo was also the voice of the thief Ioz on "The Pirates of Dark Water" and I would have loved to hear him bust out a "Noy Jitat!" A-

Forever Ambergris: Steve Buscemi and The Who vocalist Roger Daltrey (YAAAAAH!) play war photographers in this satisfyingly gruesome episode. The two have a friendly rivalry that turns toxic when Daltrey starts falling for Buscemi's wife (Lysette Anthony), allowing his personal and professional jealousy to take over during a trip to a Central American nation that has been struck with biological weapons. The sloppy demise of anyone exposed to the toxin is disgustingly and awesomely rendered. The Cryptkeeper introduces this one by remarking on his fondness for a fish-eye lens...with an actual fish eye attached to it. Don't ever change, buddy. A-

Food for Thought: This weird take on mind reading stars Ernie Hudson as the sideshow performer Zambini and Joan Chen as his long suffering assistant. She's the one with the more powerful gift, but that doesn't stop Zambini from keeping her trapped in their abusive partnership. The blend of fantasy concepts with believable relationship drama is interesting but this episode can be sloppy with random digressions like a pissed off gorilla and a silly sight gag involving conjoined twins. Plus the ending is a giant WTF moment without that signature Crypt irony. C+

People Who Live in Glass Hearses: Bill Paxton and Brad Dourif play two brothers, Billy and Virgil, who hatch a plot to get revenge on the ice cream vendor (Michael Lerner) who got Billy sent to jail. It often plays like a gruesome "Of Mice and Men," with the not-all-there Virgil frequently endangering the plot with his random outbursts of violence. Like some other episodes, it's basically a twist in search of a plot and the final twist is admittedly pretty great. Everything else is on the dull side, although voice acting legend Cam Clarke gives an uncredited cameo as the voice of a puppet. B-

Two For the Show: This clever episode begins with a rich businessman (David Paymer) murdering his wife (Traci Lords) after she threatens to leave him for someone else. While trying to get out of town, he is followed by a police officer (Vincent Spano) who seems to know exactly what's going on. It's well paced with the audience always wondering just what Officer Fine's game is and plays with expectations - you probably have an idea of what the twist is, but there are more surprises to come. B+

House of Horror: I've never understood why any college student, following four years of high school bullshit, would subject themselves to even more bullshit by joining a fraternity. In this goofy episode, a group of pledges are taken to an abandoned house to undergo a spooky hazing ritual. The location, which is a fantastic piece of production design, has a surprising purpose. Those who have watched enough episodes of the show probably can guess the twist but the comedic banter among the frat boys keeps things entertaining. This episode features a grab bag of young early 90s stars, including Kevin Dillon, Jason London and Wil Wheaton. Even if you don't like the episode, you should stick with it until the very end for one of the Crypt Keeper's best puns to date. B+

Tales From the Crypt: Season Four, Part Two

Showdown: Despite the intriguing possibilities, the Western and Horror genres are rarely mixed, which makes this episode a nice change of pace. It’s also directed by Richard Donner so we know we’re in for something good. Wild West scoundrel Billy Quintane (Neil Giuntoli) wins a classic face-off with a Texas Ranger (David Morse) only to find that the ghosts in the ghost town he’s hiding in are all people he’s killed before. There are a number of major twists which were later ripped off by some very well-known ghost movies. Donner nails the Western imagery and atmosphere although I do wish it was a little scarier. A-

King of the Road: A middle-aged father and police officer (Raymond J. Barry) keeps quiet about his past as a legendary drag racer, but a slimy young punk (Brad Pitt) has tracked him down and challenges him to a race. He’s not interested but the psycho won’t stop invading his privacy until he agrees. It’s often one-note and feels like an episode of a different show, but the unexpected ending is a real surprise that’s darkly hilarious. Warren Zevon (“Werewolves of London”) contributed several songs to this episode. B-

Maniac at Large: John Frankenheimer directed this episode about a meek librarian (Blythe Danner) working late while a serial killer roams the streets. Seeing threats everywhere, she begins to go crazy with paranoia despite the tepid reassurances of her domineering boss (Salome Jens). This was based off a story in EC’s “Crime SuspenStories” series, which means the horror elements are toned down but the ending is a perfect example of how edgy these comics were in their day. B

Split Personality: The Cryptkeeper suggests parental guidance, as in “guide your parents out of the room so we can have some fun!” Joe Pesci is excellent as a con man obsessed with the number two who meets a pair of rich twins ((Jacqueline and Kristen Citron). Hoping to get his hands on their inheritance, he invents a twin brother to try and marry them both. The twins seem like naive dingbats for most of the episode, but the tables are turned with an incredibly sick finale. A-

Strung Along: Donald O’Connor (yes, the guy from Singin’ in the Rain) plays an aging puppeteer who gets invited to a tribute show and trains a younger assistant (Zach Galligan) to help him out. He also begins to suspect that his young, controlling wife (Patrice Charbonneau) may be cheating on him. There are two big twists, one you will likely see coming and another one that you won’t, because it makes no sense. The casting of O’Connor, whose best known work was in the 1940s and 50s, really sells the character but the episode suffers in comparison to the outstanding Don Rickles puppet episode from Season 2. B

Werewolf Concerto: In this straightforward episode, a werewolf is terrorizing a ritzy hotel. The manager (Dennis Farina) has assured his guests (which include Timothy Dalton, Beverly D’Angelo and Reginald Veljohnson) that a specialized hunter is on the job, but that person wishes to remain anonymous. Who is the werewolf and who is the hunter? The answer is not as simple as it appears. The makeup effects are impressive, although the story relies far too much on misdirection. B-

Curiosity Killed: Actually, it didn’t. Not really. That’s the least of the problems with this lame season finale where a bickering old couple (Kevin McCarthy and Margot Kidder in old age makeup) meet some friends on a camping trip. The wife thinks her husband is plotting to get rid of her, but it’s not quite as simple as that. There are some neat effects near the end, but this mostly just feels like killing time. C

So that's Season 4. Despite the major star power in these episodes, I think in general this one was on the weak side. Three more seasons to go so let's hope there are still some great ones left. Till next year, boils and ghouls!

Tales From the Crypt: Season Four, Part One

So this series vanished for a long time, eh? Sorry about that. I got off to a strong start but life got in the way and it took a long time to pick it up again. What I plan on doing is going through one season each October for the next couple of years so we'll do Season 4 this year and Season 5 will come in 2018. Get ready for more misbehavior, gore and bad puns!

None But the Lonely Heart: Treat Williams plays a vile con man who romances wealthy older women and then poisons them to get their money. In the midst of his latest scheme, he discovers that someone is on to him and paranoia makes him more dangerous than ever. Spending 20 minutes with this bastard is wearying but the unexpected ending is out of step with everything that’s come before…in a good way. Tom Hanks directed this episode and has a small role. B-

This’ll Kill Ya: The opening of this episode is lifted straight from the film noir classic D.O.A. - an amoral pharmaceutical executive named George (Dylan McDermott) walks into a police station to report his own murder. It’s another story of a jerk who eventually gets what’s coming to him, but things pick up when George is accidentally(?) injected with an experimental drug. The ending is satisfying, but as a whole this one feels like parts of previous episodes mixed together. Even the name is easily confused with “Easel Kill Ya” from Season 3. C+

On A Dead Man’s Chest: William Friedkin of The Exorcist directs this episode, which is the raunchiest one I’ve yet seen. It’s chock full of nudity, swearing and some seriously bloody mayhem at the end. A selfish rock singer (Yul Vasquez) gets a strange tattoo from a mysterious artist (the musician Heavy D) and it seems to have a life of its own. It’s lively fun with an interesting cast - Tia Carrere and musician Gregg Allman have supporting roles. Naturally, the band is named “Exorcist.” B+

Seance: The Cryptkeeper does his best Humphrey Bogart impression (complete with a terrible closing Casablanca-inspired pun) for this engaging hybrid of film noir and ghost story. Two bickering con artists (Cathy Moriarty and Ben Cross) pull an elaborate swindle on Mr. Chalmers (the late, great John Vernon) only for the scheme to backfire and accidentally cause the man’s death. Now they hope to fool his wife with a fake seance. You can figure out the ending right away, but the final scene is very well executed. B+

Beauty Rest: Mimi Rogers plays Helen, an actress who keeps losing roles to younger competitors. Whens he finds out about a beauty pageant where the winner gets to be a company spokesperson, she becomes so desperate that she begins to murder her rivals. Naturally, winning the pageant turns out to be bad news and the ending twist is bizarre (and would have been more effective with better special effects). Rogers is able to make her character a little more sympathetic than the usual antiheroes of the show, but the glib way the film treats the sexist elements of show business can be a little off-putting. B

What’s Cookin: Christopher Reeve plays humorously against type as Fred, an arrogant chef who, along with his long-suffering wife (Bess Alexander) runs a restaurant that serves only squid. For some reason, the public isn’t particularly interested and the couple faces bankruptcy until one of their employees (Judd Nelson) introduces them to a mysterious new recipe. Fred discovers the truth about halfway through in a disgusting (and yet somehow delightful) reveal and Reeve’s natural charisma makes you root for his character no matter how ghastly things get. A funny, engaging and enjoyably twisted episode. A-

The New Arrival: An arrogant psychologist (David Warner, making his character highly hateable) with a radio show is about to lose his gig due to low ratings so he comes with the idea of broadcasting episodes from the home of a mysterious woman (Zelda Rubenstein) who is constantly calling the show complaining about her daughter. Something is definitely very wrong about this child, but the episode wisely keeps her hidden until the very end, nicely building anticipation. B+

Tales From the Crypt: Season Three, Part Two

Easel Kill Ya: Tim Roth plays a struggling artist who accidentally causes the death of his neighbor and is inspired to recreate the incident on his canvas. Egged on by a rich, creepy art collector (William Atherton), he begins to look for more…inspiration. The lead character is underdeveloped even by Tales from the Crypt standards, but this episode has a nice moody feel and an interesting theme of our human fascination with death and darkness. B

Undertaking Palor: At the time, this probably seemed like an average episode, but now it looks tremendously influential if you have followed the horror genre in recent years. A group of teenage horror fans sneaks into a morgue only to discover that the immensely creepy mortician (John Glover, the voice of The Riddler in Batman: The Animated Series) is involved in a twisted plot to increase business. An early scene of the man going about his work in surprising detail while opera plays in the background may have inspired the notoriously revolting short film Aftermath. Like “Television Terror” in Season 2, this episode also was an early and even more ambitious innovator of the found footage style, shifting between multiple cameras during the final scene. The characterization of the kids themselves places this episode squarely in the early 90s, dating the show in a way most other episodes don’t, but there’s still an engaging Stephen King-esque camaraderie among them. B+

Mournin’ Mess: Steven Weber plays a down on his luck journalist who, like many real-life journalists, works full-time but doesn’t make enough to pay his rent. Shortly after covering a routine story about a civic organization designed to provide proper burials for the homeless, he gets a tip that there is more to the cause than meets the eye. It’s mostly unremarkable up until the nightmarish ending, which features outstanding makeup and set direction while playing on primal fears. B-

Split Second: The next two episodes are the first that I’ve seen based on a comic I’ve already read. That number should increase thanks to the great collection of EC comics I got for Christmas. It’s interesting to have the additional insight into the adaptation and this one is quite good. A newly-married owner of a timber company (Brion James), totally oblivious to the antics of his predatory wife (Michelle Johnson), develops a bad habit of subjecting his employees to violent fits of jealousy. They’re not going to put up with it forever. Modern audiences may find the gender politics in this episode to be offensive, but then again, nobody of any gender ever really comes off well in Tales From The Crypt. Directed by Russell Mulcahy (Highlander), it faithfully hits all the beats of the original story while fleshing out the camaraderie between the loggers. The changes to the ending are revealing – the original comic ends right before the gory payoff would begin, encouraging readers to imagine it. The show, of course, delivers it in all its blood-soaked glory. B+

Deadline: Crypt MVP Walter Hill is back, so we know this episode will be in a different class. At this point, it’s not breaking new ground to tell the story of another alcoholic, desperate reporter, although it does make me grateful I got out of journalism. Hill gets a great performance out of Richard Jordan as the lead – he’s manic, self-centered and yet strangely sympathetic as the writer whose determination to find a sensational story ultimately corrupts him. The script actually softens the edges of the characters from the original comic, which makes the grim finale all the more tragic. A-

Spoiled: The series returns to the topic of infidelity yet again for this ridiculously campy episode, which fakes the audience out with a soap opera introduction but maintains the arch tone in its story of a neglected housewife (Faye Grant) who has an affair with the cable repairman (Anthony LaPaglia). Everyone loves to make fun of soap operas, but I’ve seen a few episodes of them and they aren’t nearly as over the top as the saucy repartee in this episode. Even the Cryptkeeper wouldn’t risk puns like these. If you’re twelve years old, you might find this hilarious, otherwise it gets old quick. The twist ending, however, is actually pretty funny. C

Yellow: In addition to horror and noir drama, EC also turned out a great deal of war stories during its run and one of the most famous was “Yellow,” a story about the conflict between a hardened general and his gentle son. This comic gets the deluxe treatment as a forty minute episode of the show with Robert Zemeckis directing. It doesn’t take its wartime setting quite as seriously as you might think, but perhaps they thought it would hard to do a traditional war story just after the Cryptkeeper used the phrase “ready, maim, fire!” What does lend this episode some serious weight, however, is the casting of screen legend Kirk Douglas. Aside from just giving an outstanding performance, his presence draws comparisons to Stanley Kubrick’s Paths of Glory, another tale of how pride gets people needlessly killed in times of war. His real life son, Eric Douglas (Michael must have been busy), plays the general’s son, who just doesn’t have the stomach for combat but was drafted anyway because that’s what happened in World War I. With Lance Henriksen and Dan Akroyd in supporting roles, the acting here is on a whole different level from what we’ve seen on the show. The adaptation is also very smart, expanding the story by dramatizing the incident that happened off-screen in the original comic. Most importantly, it does justice to the story’s shocking, unforgettable ending. Easily one of the show’s finest moments. A

That wraps up Season 3. I'd say Season 2 was marginally better, but good times were had by all. Onward we go!

Tales From the Crypt: Season Three, Part One

Loved to Death: The season premiere tells the sleazy tale of a lonely creep screenwriter (Andrew McCarthy) who is obsessed with old-school Hollywood and fixated on his neighbor, a B-movie actress (Mariel Hemingway). When he acts like a moron and alienates her, his evil landlord gives him a love potion for his own twisted amusement. Naturally, things go wrong fast. On the surface, it’s very silly but this episode is saved by a rich subtext of how entertainment gives men ridiculous ideas about women and romance. B

Carrion Death: An episode starring Agent Dale Cooper himself, Kyle McLaughlin. He plays a notorious escaped convict who ends up handcuffed to a dead police officer. Now he has to drag a corpse through the searing desert if he wants to reach the Mexican border. The episode can’t resist some outrageous slapstick gore at the end and in general, this is a fun and well-paced tale. B+

The Trap: You can get a lot of money through life insurance, the problem is you have to die before they fork it over. In this episode directed by Michael J. Fox (who appears near the end), a bullying jerk (the great Bruce McGill) strong-arms his wife (Teri Garr) and his mortician brother (Bruno Kirby) into helping him fake his death so he can collect the funds. However, once his accomplices get a taste of life without him, they find it hard to go back to the status quo. Fox infuses the episode with black comedy and stages some laughably crass sequences on the way to the devilish ending. A-

Abra Cadaver: The lewd opening of this episode ensures it will never appear on basic cable. Two bickering brothers who are both doctors (Beau Bridges and Tony Goldwyn) disagree on whether or not brain activity continues after death. The brother who backs the theory takes some truly drastic measures to prove it, leading to a mind-bending storyline with a whopping triple-twist ending. It can be on the slow side, but the core concept is interesting to think about. B+

Top Billing: This tiresome showbiz farce shows that some of the weaknesses inherent in adapting these comics are still popping up. An obnoxious struggling actor (Jon Lovitz) goes to extreme lengths to get a part in Hamlet, but it’s not the role he thinks it is. The awesome final twist is classic EC comics, but seven pages of buildup is a lot easier to enjoy than 20 minutes. So far, I’ve seen that the success of Tales from the Crypt episodes are determined by how they deal with the expansion needed to accommodate the TV show format. In this case, having to tolerate Lovitz’s antics was asking a little too much. For some reason, this particular episode attracted a lot of recognizable stars to tiny roles – Oscar winner Louise Fletcher appears for about 30 seconds as an agent. C+

Dead Wait: Most of this show’s strong episodes have been pulpy fun, not truly scary. But when you bring in Tobe Hooper, director of the horror masterpiece The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, you’re gonna get scary. James Remar plays a thug who infiltrates a plantation to try and steal a rare black pearl from its owner (John Rhys-Davies). However, a voodoo priestess (Whoopi Goldberg, who hangs out with the Crypt Keeper in the episode’s outro) is onto him. This show’s violence is generally goofy, but Hooper has a knack for making it extra visceral. There’s one scene in particular that’s amazingly putrid. A fun cast and a pro at the helm make this a satisfying episode. A-

The Reluctant Vampire: The show takes an unusually light touch with this episode about a modern vampire who works a night watchman at a blood bank, while helping himself to some of the goods, naturally. However, the discrepancy has not gone unnoticed. It’s a silly episode, but the script does well with funny details and Malcolm McDowell’s funny, eccentric performance as Donald Longtooth make you root for him. Also fun is Michael Berryman, the distinctive-looking actor from The Hills Have Eyes, as a zealous vampire hunter. B+

Tales From the Crypt: Season Two, Part Three

Korman’s Kalamity: Tales from the Crypt goes meta with this story about a horror comics cartoonist named Jim Korman (Harry Anderson) whose drawings start coming to life. It’s a fun idea, but in practice is a little too over the top, with intrusive music and lazy characterization. In particular, Korman’s ridiculously obnoxious wife (Colleen Camp), more of a cartoon than anything on Korman’s pages, almost singlehandedly ruins the whole thing. If today’s network of feminist blogs existed in the early 1990s, they would have ripped this episode a new one. Still, it’s salvaged a bit by great creature effects. B-

Lower Berth: The Cryptkeeper’s origin story is actually quite serious, told without the host’s trademark humor, but then again it’s pretty funny in retrospect. It’s a colorful tale full of sideshow freaks and exhumed mummies set in the era of classic horror. The mood and atmosphere are so potent, combined with amazing makeup effects (the show in general is very good at this) that this could be mistaken for an episode of The X-Files. A-

Mute Witness to Murder: This great Hitchcockian episode tells you all you need to know in its title. Patricia Clarkson plays the woman (blonde, naturally) who is so traumatized by her sudden discovery that she loses her voice. The psychologist who ends up treating her…is also the murderer (Richard Thomas). The moody, eerie episode does a great job backing Clarkson’s character further and further into a corner, providing very effective suspense even though some clues about the ending wind up being a little too obvious. A-

Television Terror: The Blair Witch Project is usually given credit for inventing the “found footage” gimmick within the horror genre, or maybe Man Bites Dog if you’re a little more cinema savvy. However, its origins go back a little farther than that. The use of it for one key scene in John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness is arguably the scariest moment in that film, and before that, Ruggero Deodato’s infamous Cannibal Holocaust pioneered the use of it to add verisimilitude to on-screen violence. Early use of it also pops up in this episode, starring Morton Downey, Jr as a megalomaniacal Geraldo-esque TV host exploring a supposedly haunted house. The style was still too new for this episode to use it to its full potential, but that’s no problem. This is crass, cynical fun with excellent pacing up until its epic finale. A

My Brother’s Keeper: Timothy Stack and Jonathan Stark play Siamese twins who are literally joined at the hip. One is a cultured gentleman and the other is a boorish psychopath. When one of them falls in love, it brings tension between them over a potential separation procedure to the surface. Of course, this is Tales from the Crypt and romance is never simple. This episode mines its premise for increasingly silly slapstick and sit-com humor but then shifts dramatically into an ultra-dark ending that’s satisfying even if it doesn’t feel especially earned. B-

The Secret: A melancholy fairy tale about an orphan with a mysterious condition who is adopted by a highly eccentric family. You’ll be able to guess one of the twists right away, which can make this one a bit tedious as you wait for it to get to the point. Still, this episode is strikingly different in tone from most of the series thus far and has a lot going for it. The cast includes David Lynch regular Grace Zabriskie and Larry Drake, who played the evil Santa last season, and it always looks fantastic, thanks to the direction of veteran set designer J. Michael Riva. A-

Nice run of episodes there! In general, Season 2 seemed a lot more consistent, but the series still occasionally has trouble balancing its love of ironic humor with real fright. Not to say that I'm not still enjoying myself immensely. On to Season 3!

Tales From the Crypt: Season Two, Part Two

The Sacrifice: This episode is almost a remake of the film noir classic Double Indemnity, although with a few lurid twists. In this incarnation, the insurance salesman is played by Kevin Kilner and Kim Delaney is the femme fatale who would like her obnoxious husband (Don Hood) to have a sudden “accident.” The lack of supernatural elements signals that this episode is adapted from an issue of the excellent Shock SuspenStories, and yet it winds up being dull and predictable. I can’t help but think they’re picking the wrong issues. C

For Cryin’ Out Loud: The Cryptkeeper, decked out in hair metal attire, introduces this humorous episode about a sleazy rock promoter (Lee Arenberg, who you may remember from “Seinfeld” as the guy who had his thumbs broken by Jerry) about to skip town with embezzled charity funds until he’s confronted by a bank teller (Katey Segal) who had been keeping an eye on him. All the while, he’s tormented by a voice in his head claiming to be his conscience (Sam Kinison). It’s set during an Iggy Pop concert, featuring the real Iggy Pop who’s on hand to drop a lot of F-bombs. Really clever writing makes this episode good fun. B+

Four-Sided Triangle: Patricia Arquette plays a young farmhand who suffers a head injury and then falls in love with a scarecrow. Her abusive employers write her off as just nuts, but does the scarecrow really come alive? I won’t spoil it, but it probably doesn’t play out the way you think it does. It’s a strange little episode, but the over the top performances of Chelcie Ross and Susan Blommaert as the despicable rednecks who run the farm make it pretty fun. B-

The Ventriloquist’s Dummy: This one is packed to the brim with talent. Richard Donner is back in the director’s chair with a script by Frank Darabont of The Shawshank Redemption. The legendary comedian Don Rickles plays a ventriloquist who takes on a hopeless protégé (Bobcat Goldwaithe). It’s so involving that you forget that the supernatural element is coming…but if you think you can guess the twist, you’re probably wrong. It culminates in a spectacularly gory finale worthy of vintage Peter Jackson. Great stuff. A

Judy, You’re Not Yourself Today: Carol Kane plays a rich vain housewife who unwillingly switches bodies with an old witch disguised as a saleswoman (Frances Bay). Her pompous gun nut husband (Brian Kerwin) finds a clever way to switch them back, but that’s not the end of the story. This is a lively episode with fantastic music and an absolutely brutal takedown of gun culture in America. This is the second time the series has given the NRA a tough broadside, could be an interesting pattern. A-

Fitting Punishment: Moses Gunn plays a crooked, cheapskate mortician who becomes the legal guardian of his nephew (Jon Clair). Having another person to deal with interrupts his finicky lifestyle to a dangerous extent. Gunn is so good as this evil bastard that you just can’t wait to see him get his comeuppance. That anticipation drives what would otherwise be a slow episode. The spooky finale is worth the wait, however, as director Jack Sholder (The Hidden) showcases some great images, including a shout-out to The Changeling. B+

Tales From the Crypt: Season Two, Part One

Dead Right: While mostly known for more traditional horror, the EC comics often told stories that dialed down the supernatural elements in favor of familiar human cruelty. In this episode, Demi Moore plays a greedy, bitchy secretary who meets a highly accurate fortune teller. She’s given a prophecy that she will become rich if she marries a lonely slob (Jeffrey Tambor in grotesque fat makeup), but the way this unfolds is highly unexpected. This episode has a lot of clever visual touches, but what makes it work is the acting. Moore is highly committed to her anti-heroine – she was a major star at this time, so it’s impressive that she was willing to play such a miserable human being. Meanwhile, Tambor gives a joke character some humanity that gives the final twist a touch of tragedy that usually gets buried by this show’s love of irony. A

The Switch: You’ll never guess who’s in the director’s chair this time. Give up? It’s none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger, who upstages the Crypt Keeper in this episode’s intro. A rich naïve old man (William Hickey) falls for a young woman (Kelly Preston) and seeks out a mad scientist who can make him young again. Schwarzenegger does well with the story’s escalating absurdity right up until an ending that’s pure EC Comics. I’m not sure how good he is with actors, however, both Hickey and Preston give very awkward performances. B+

Cutting Cards: Walter Hill’s back to direct an instant classic episode about two gamblers (Lance Henriksen and Kevin Tighe) who have an epic pissing match you have to see to believe. You might think a game of Russian Roulette would settle things, but what comes next (“Chop Poker”) is even more gruesome. Full of masterful suspense and plenty of macho banter from the two leads, this is probably the best episode I’ve yet seen. The thirty minutes feel like three. A

Till Death: A scumbag developer (D.W. Moffett) needs money to finance a dream land deal, so he turns to a voodoo priestess (Will Smith’s TV mom Janet Hubert) to try and snag a rich bride. But the idiot doesn’t listen to her and gives his target an overdose of the love potion, which leads to all sorts of mayhem. This episode boasts some phenomenal makeup effects, but the first half is somewhat dull and the “gold digger” thing already feels old. B

Three’s A Crowd: Another tale of human frailty. A working class sad sack (Gavan O’Herlihy) competes with his rich friend (Paul Lieber) for the affections of his wife (Ruth de Sosa). Lieber plays his character as such an alpha-male dipshit that you’re practically rooting for him to get killed, but there’s a lot more to this episode than that. In the end, it’s a deeply sad story of insecurity. It’s a bit manipulative for my tastes, but the episode is helped by a vulnerable performance from O’Herlihy and some great direction from David Burton Morris. The lighting in particular is noticeably excellent. B+

The Thing From the Grave: Most of the classic images from the old EC Comics involve the undead – beautifully illustrated panels of corpses covered with maggots as flesh falls off their bones. This seminal moment in horror history is translated beautifully in this episode, as a murdered man (Kyle Secor) comes back from the dead to protect his love (Teri Hatcher) from a psychotic boyfriend (Miguel Ferrer). The veteran character actor owns this episode as the villain, making it all the more fun when this abusive prick gets what he deserves. This one also has one of the more amusing opening bits – the Crypt Keeper is caught looking at a corpse porn magazine. A

There's a lot of Season 2 left to go, but things have already gotten much better. The best ones here channel the vibe of the comics in a way that would do any fan proud. I'm quite excited to get further into it!

Tales From The Crypt - Introduction and Season One

Despite all my years as a huge horror film buff, I somehow never got around to seeing Tales from the Crypt, the iconic HBO anthology starring an animatronic corpse who cracks himself up with his own ridiculous puns. My sudden interest in checking it out came after I read a fantastic book about the legendary 1950s horror comics called "The Horror! The Horror! Comic Books the Government Didn't Want You to Read!" That title is anything but hyperbole, by the way, but we'll get to that in a minute.

I knew a bit about the 1950s horror comics beforehand - I had seen some of them and had been impressed by how frighteningly brilliant they still are. The book made a compelling case that society needed this kind of grim entertainment to process the horrors of World War II, something not allowed by the stifling entertainment that typically defines this decade. The surrealistic gore and dark twist endings weren't all they had to offer, either. Many took on issues of the day, including racial discrimination in an era when it was not politically correct to do so. The comics were hugely popular and eventually attracted the attention of the usual suspects who can be counted on to spoil the fun for the general public. Since video games wouldn't be invented for a long time, the so-called "moral guardians" decided that horror comics were single-handedly turning children into murderous delinquents and the issue even led to Congressional hearings.

Eventually, the criticism became so intense that the comics industry adopted a system of self-censorship. Every issue could be evaluated and if deemed acceptable, would receive approval from the Comics Code Authority. When it first began, the rules were so strict that you couldn't even have the word "horror" on the cover. Of course, you didn't have to get the seal but most retailers were unwilling to put comics on the shelves unless approved. It's a bit like how the MPAA can use the NC-17 rating to banish independent films from the majority of movie theaters if there's too much gay sex in them. This ultimately destroyed the horror comics...they were gone, but definitely not forgotten.

By the time Tales From the Crypt, which adapts a comic for each episode, premiered in 1989, everything had changed. The groundbreaking intensity of 1970s horror films, followed by the gore-crazy 1980s, had demolished many of the taboos of the past. The comics were reborn with all the violence, swearing and nudity that's still a hallmark of HBO, but instead of being ostracized it was welcomed with open arms and lasted for seven seasons. Major movie stars and directors couldn't join in the fun fast enough. The Cryptkeeper began showing his ugly face all over the place, including a few movie spin-offs and a Saturday morning cartoon version where he introduced stories that actually had happy endings. A more detailed look at the story of those comics can be found in a fantastic hour-long documentary on the Season 1 DVD. But let's talk about the episodes! I gave up using letter grades for reviews a while ago, but I'm going to bring it back for now just because there's so many episodes to discuss and it could get hard to make comparisons eventually.

The Man Who Was Death: The pilot was directed by Walter Hill, the distinctive filmmaker behind cult classics like The Warriors and Streets of Fire. His sensibility meshes well with the story of Niles Talbot (Bill Sadler), an executioner who enjoys throwing the switch far too much. When his state unexpectedly abolishes the death penalty, he finds himself out of a job and decides to hunt down and electrocute acquitted murder suspects in his spare time. It’s fairly predictable, especially the final twist, but the story really couldn’t end any other way. Sadler is entertaining in the lead role and there’s a nice satirical point here – Talbot is just doing his job when pulling the switch on behalf of the state, but killing people in the exact same fashion outside of work makes him an outlaw. A-

And All Through the House: Directed by Robert Zemeckis (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?), this is a morbidly funny tale of a scheming wife (Mary Ellen Trainor) who murders her husband on Christmas Eve and plans to indulge in his money with her new boyfriend, who inexplicably refers to himself as “The Dick Monster.” She gets her comeuppance when the house is invaded by an axe-murdering lunatic dressed as Santa (character actor Larry Drake). Zemeckis stages the mayhem very well and the ending evokes classic horror films by not showing the money shot and leaving it to your imagination, where it’s sure to be much more gruesome. It’s ridiculous, but that comes with the territory when you’re dealing with evil Santas. One thing’s for sure, it’s a lot better than Silent Night, Deadly Night. B

Dig That Cat…He’s Real Gone: The first great episode comes courtesy of Lethal Weapon director Richard Donner, who employs a lot of flashy editing tricks reminiscent of comic book panels. A homeless man (Joe Pantoliano) undergoes a mad scientist’s experiment to give him a cat’s nine lives and becomes a sideshow sensation as “Ulrich the Undying.” It’s a hilarious episode with great twists and a dim view of human nature that’s consistent with the comics that inspired this series. As a bonus, there’s also an incisive NRA joke that’s even more satisfying now than it was in the late 1980s. A

Only Sin Deep: A weak episode about a vain prostitute (Lea Thompson) who sells her beauty to the local pawn shop owner/sorcerer for a small fortune. After she uses the money to insinuate herself into the 1 percent, she suddenly begins to age rapidly. It’s meant to be an indictment of the character’s greed, but the details of the deal sound so harmless (he only asks to make a plaster mold of her face) that even the most virtuous person would have agreed. It’s a lot more interesting when someone makes a devil’s bargain knowing full well what they are getting into, with Ariel in The Little Mermaid as just one example. Aside from that, the episode also suffers from clumsy dialogue, a weak ending and Thompson’s obnoxious New York accent. C-

Lover, Come Hack to Me: This ridiculously sleazy episode makes me glad I never watched this show growing up with my parents in the room. Directed by Tom Holland (Child’s Play), it’s the story of a sad little heiress (Amanda Plummer) and her obnoxious gold-digging spouse (Stephen Shellen, a rare male example of this trope) who get lost in a storm on their wedding night and find shelter in a creepy abandoned mansion. While there, he finds out more than money runs in her family. The ending is satisfyingly gruesome, but the rest of the episode drags like crazy. It illustrates the potential problems of adapting those 50s comics – many of the stories were only about 4 or 5 pages, which means you’ve got to be creative while stretching them to a half-hour of television. Didn’t work so well here. C+

Collection Completed: The golden years aren’t so great for a retired workaholic (M. Emmet Walsh) and his crazy-cat-lady wife (Audra Lindley). Slowly driven insane by a series of petty domestic slights, he adopts a twisted new hobby. Walsh is great as the miserable old bastard and director Mary Lambert (Pet Sematary) captures the necessary buildup that was missing from the previous episode. It’s a great example of the pitch black humor that seems to be an early strength of the series. A

Only six episodes for Season 1...they were just testing the waters. There are a lot more in Season 2, so we'll see if things become more consistent. Then again, anthologies in general tend to be pretty hit and miss. If I don't get another one of these up before then, Happy Halloween!